Maybe it’s a generational divide.
Or maybe it’s cultural.
But this is what’s been bothering me lately. For most, it will be a surprising pet peeve but…
In the past few months I’ve been thanked for “being me” and for “doing the work that I do” on a few different occasions. On a networking call and on LinkedIn.
This appreciation came from younger people, men and women alike.
It seems kind and nice, doesn’t it? Thanking people for showing up in the world and doing their work. Except, it’s not.
It’s pandering and, frankly, condescending.
I am not “being me” because I want someone else’s approval. And I do my work because it matters to me first and foremost. It matters for different reasons, including financial ones.
Of course, I’m not a cold-hearted robot who has no need for gratitude. I love getting genuine appreciation from my clients, referral partners, and newsletter subscribers. But the keyword is “genuine”. And that’s not what “thank you for being you” from a random stranger is.
What I’d like to get instead
Imagine talking to someone face-to-face at a party and ending a conversation with “thank you for what you do”.
That’s just weird. That’s virtue signaling. It’s fake.
That’s how it feels remotely as well.
You don’t really know me, and I don’t really know you. So let’s get to know each other a bit. Let’s find out:
How our worldviews align
How we can collaborate
How we can learn from each other
And offer our appreciation for a new idea, insight, or a referral.
Everything else is meaningless and insincere.
Or am I wrong here?
Absolutely dead wrong on this.
Thanking someone for their work is not inherently disingenuous. Thanking them for showing up as themselves is not pandering.
Expanding our appreciation of others to something beyond a new idea, referral or insight is to connect as humans. It is to see intrinsic value, and to call it out. It is a departure from the siloed existence that we've been told to live for so long. Even concepts such as work/life balance uphold this silo effect by telling us that we need to leave our personal lives at home, as if such a thing were possible.
Ending a conversation in person with, "thank you for doing what you do" is only weird if you aren't actually grateful for the work that individual does. I've had people thank me for my work as a therapist even though they are not my clients. Rather than virtue signaling, it comes across as a genuine appreciation for those who engage in therapeutic work.
Requiring a specific level of familiarity with one's worldview prior to appreciating them as a person is to gatekeep belonging. It is to perpetuate the idea that unless we align, you have no value to me. It is a frankly depressing way to live for many individuals.
I don't know you. I don't even remember why I got on your email list. But what I can tell you is that I value individuals doing what they can to live their values. I believe it fosters an environment of congruence, and a belief that the what each individual does to improve the world is worthwhile, even if it doesn't directly touch my life. I am grateful for each person that genuinely shows up, as it gives the people around them tacit permission to do the same.
I completely disagree with what you wrote, but it spurred me to thoughts that I may not have otherwise articulated, and for that, I'm grateful. Even if you don't believe me.